My birthday is right around the corner and I'm really not sure what to do to commemorate the day. I never celebrate my birthday but this year I have a certain urge to do something exciting. Each year I diligently take time to take stock of, rather review, what my life is amounting to. This happens twice each year: during the New year's Eve (like any other sensible human being) and on my birthday (which is conveniently smack dab in the beginning of the second half of the year). My second evaluation is slightly different because I get to critique my performance during the first half of the year and get to alter- or better yet- create a new game plan for the second half of the year.
Therefore, this past week, I began to reflect about my journey from childhood to adulthood and the twenty something years I've been on this Earth. What I had accomplished, where exactly was my life headed to, what did I need to do to change my current circumstances so on and so forth.
This year around, I didn't have any answers for the questions I posed to myself. To be honest, I was stuck. Real stuck. I had this magnificent game plan at the beginning of the year which I thought would work. It was idiot proof and knowing that I was no idiot by dictionary definition, I was keen to put it to action. 6 months later, I don't have much to show for anything but a wounded heart and a dying spirit. Nothing made sense to me. At all! I didn't know what to do, and why this was happening to me. I felt cheated out of this thing called adulthood and I kept cursing myself out for all the times as a child I wished that I wanted to be a "grown up".
At this point, feelings of anger and frustration flooded through my mind. I didn't want to think about this anymore and I immediately shut down those thoughts and looked for a convenient distraction to fill up my mind. I ended up binge watching episodes of Chewing Gum (but why isn't there a season 3?!) and The Exes, which gave me a great deal of relief.
. . .
"An epiphany, a realization, an awakening..."
Chewing Gum introduces us to Tracy, an ordinary girl born and raised in a strict Christian family who is exploring the world on her own as a young adult. She is influenced by her circle of friends to try out a couple of things. Tracy tries to venture out into different things but holds back in most instances because she is scared, unsure of herself and she wants to keep within certain religious boundaries (which she also questions).
On the other hand, Holly Franklin as one of the main characters in the Exes, is a relatively mature lady in her thirties who has a successful career but a not so successful love life. She fumbles around to find a way to make her love life work and also get on with other areas of life. And in this fumbling around she is joined by her friends who are more or less in the same predicament.
As I kept on watching, I realized that there was a common theme running across each show. Each character had their struggle, but fumbled around to find a way to get on with life. It may not have been the right decision, they probably didn't even know what they were doing or what they were getting themselves into but they went for it and hoped that it would ultimately work. This forced me to look back at a number of my life experiences which resonated with some of the issues faced by the characters from each show. Ultimately, I was quick to reflect on the lives of most of the adults I had interacted with. It was at this point that, I was struck by an epiphany, a realization, an awakening; whatever you would like to call it... And this is it:
Most adults don't know what they are doing!
In as much as adults prepare for the future, nothing is ever guaranteed.
A greater part of adulthood is characterized by not knowing what you are doing. Everyone (young and old) is fumbling around trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. We are on a road of self-discovery and self-evaluation. No one knows the perfect way of figuring it all out and (as much as we hate to admit it) we all live and learn through trial and error, through breaks, stops and re-directions.
"We all live and learn through trial and error, through breaks, stops and re-directions."
I was just at the teething stages of my life and in as much as I wasn't 100% certain of what I was doing, I had some form of confidence that I was on the right path. It was some form of intuitive confidence- it came from a deep place within my heart (or my gut, whichever you choose). The kind that you can't explain but you "just know that you know" kind of thing. I was still a long way ahead. I couldn't possibly give up!
Looking back at where I've come from, I realized that I had overcome so many obstacles and achieved so much in the short existence of my life. I forgot to be grateful for what I had and beat myself down for what I didn't have.I thought was unfair to myself, quite unfair. I needed to step back and be grateful. I also needed to come to terms with the fact that life has its own way of working itself out and that I needed to "trust the process".
At this juncture (as I'm sharing my thoughts) I'm quite confident in saying that I don't know what I'm doing. However what I'm definitely sure of is that I'll keep trying, I'll keep being focused and I'll do what I need to do to get to where I want to be. This is what is in my control and I have no excuse to give up.
One year older. Revamped energy. Game on.
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